


The Two Reasons for M's Lack of Hair

by christinefromsherwood



Series: MI6 Cafe April 2020 Challenge [4]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, M's POV, M/M, having to listen to these two, poor M, there isn't enough whisky in the world for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:06:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23770543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/pseuds/christinefromsherwood
Summary: Sometimes, M wondered what his predecessor was thinking, letting Bond and Q ever meet. Because now he had to listen to them argue about tea on the comms.
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Series: MI6 Cafe April 2020 Challenge [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692931
Comments: 50
Kudos: 144
Collections: MI6 Cafe Collections





	The Two Reasons for M's Lack of Hair

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soufflegirl91](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soufflegirl91/gifts).



> > written for the [MI6CafeChallenge: Choose Your Own Adventure April.](https://mi6cafe.wordpress.com/2020/04/01/choose-your-own-adventure-april/)
> 
> This is for **4 - Felix’s Refuge:** Write from a secondary character’s POV (not Bond or Q).
> 
> I am again thanking _Souffle,_ whose comments and encouragement keep me writing and who actually prompted this fic with the brilliant initial sentence. I'd also like to thank _Faerie_ and her [fantastic workshop](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lbvcofowd1JOyOIzex0_-_EmoxXG7EsWNrcDdbBJsDc/edit?usp=sharing) for the whisky inspiration.
> 
> Also, this is a sequel of sorts to my short ficlet [Candles](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19741645) but can be read separately. :)

Sometimes, M wondered what his predecessor was thinking, letting Bond and Q ever meet.

“You bought _this_ ?! I cannot believe you _bought_ this. I thought maybe someone gave them to you, but _you actually_ bought this!”

“Yes, darling, I _like_ it. So I bought it. And that won’t change no matter how many times you repeat it, or what part of the sentence you stress.” 

“ _Oh_ you…”

Yes, sometimes M wondered. With his head in his hands, fingers gripping his remaining hair, he wondered. 

When old friends met him in the street and asked him: “Gareth! Gare-bear! Goldilocks! Where did all your hair go?”, M told them: “It’s male pattern baldness, Dave, you ignorant skidmark.” 

Well, that was a lie.

That’s what he thought about telling Dave. Unfortunately, Dave had managed to social-climb his way rather high in the Treasury and so M had to chuckle every time and say something chummy like: “Oh you know, the wife, the paperwork, the children, yadda yadda…” 

But, actually, it was in moments like these that M knew with painful clarity where all of his hair had gone. These two, _these two_ , made him tear it out in despair.

“James, I’ve _told_ you: the bags are no good. It’s not _tea_ , it’s-”

“ _‘It’s just dust.’_ Yes, I know. You _have_ told me. I like _the dust_ , I’ve been drinking _the dust_ with one sugar and a splash of milk for breakfast for the past thirty years and I don’t mean to stop.”

He should have known something was up when Moneypenny brought him the comm recordings with such a wide grin on her face. 

“Well, your six Lipton 30% Gratis Mega Packs took up all of the tea cupboard! You know, the place where we store the _actual_ _tea_.” 

“It was on sale, Q! And it’s organic!” 

“Oh, organic _my arse_!”

M’s momentary huff on amusement at the thought of Bond falling for a bargain turned into a groan of despair. 

Foul language on mission calls was par for the course with field agents. But the headquarters was meant to set an example, to be professional, and to have the Quartermaster mentioning _his arse_ -

“Not fair, darling! I thought we’ve agreed: No distracting me with your arse when we’re arguing, _or_ on mission.”

Oh, so they did know it was a mission! M _had_ begun to wonder. 

Next door, Moneypenny was giggling. It was muffled. She must have slapped both hands over her mouth but M still heard it.

“That was just an expression and you know it! And don’t try to distract me by pretending to be distracted. There’s nothing distracting about ‘my arse’.”

“Oh darling, I beg to differ.”

“Stop it, James. You’re not allowed to make me laugh when I’m cross with you. And I am _very_ cross with you because _because of your bloody Lipton_ I had to leave my Eastern Beauty out on the counter and Candles chewed it up!”

“Is she alright?”

“Yeah, she’s fine, but my tea’s _ruined_ , and Mei Leaf’s out of stock so I can’t order any more.”

“Q, you can’t leave stuff like that out in the open. She could have got hurt. You know that’s why we have a system-”

“Mention _the system_ one more time! I _dare_ you! This is your fault, if you hadn’t crammed-”

“There was plenty of room in tha-”

“There wasn’t and you know it!”

Checking the timestamp on the recording, M gave the bottle of Ledaig on the filing cabinet a longing look. 

It would be over soon. Just a few seconds more. Then he could celebrate with a finger or two. 

Celebrate, mind you! He’d be damned if they drove him to drink, too.

“So you haven’t had _any_ tea today?”

“No. We’re out of loose leaf and I know you think I’m too fussy but-”

“No, I know, darling, you can’t stand the thought of Lipton. Look, I’m sorry, I’ll have a look around and find you some nice loose leaf here. Something for that gong fu teapot of yours.”

Ugh. 

“Thank you, love. I’d really like that.”

Just _a few_ more seconds. Not at work, never while at work. Not even to let it breathe.

“Alright, well your clever car is telling me to take a left and start looking for a spot to park…”

“Oh good. Take care, love. I’m going to- What? What are you laughing at?”

“Just the thought of M’s face when he listens to this…”

“What? M’s not going to listen to this! Moneypenny deletes these, she told me!”

“Oh, darling…”

“ _No_! Why didn’t you tell me, Jam- 007?!”

“I really have to go now, darling. Talk to you soon!”

“Wait _just a minute-_ Oh that _bas_ \- Ah… Erm… Well… If… If you’re listening to this, sir, I _am_ sorry. Quartermaster out.”

M poured himself a dram and took a sip. 

He rolled it in his mouth and forced himself to focus on the smokiness, the spices, the light peaty aroma and yes, perhaps there _was_ a hint of walnut. And just like that he was back on his holiday in Tobermory. He could practically hear the call of the great sea eagles, the rush of the waves-

He should have bloody known Bond was doing that on purpose, the prick!

**Author's Note:**

>  **So, how was it? Can I interest you in leaving a comment or two? Trust me, they'll be appreciated and cherished in their new home in the comment section.**
> 
> And also here's a short rec list of fun and sweet fics to keep you laughing in this strange time:
> 
>   * [A Different Kind of Golden Eye](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23395012) by christinefromsherwood - _magic tinged AU, Bond gets cursed with the Midas Touch with interesting results_
>   * [Holding Out for a Hero](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23425648) by SouffleGirl91 and christinefromsherwood _\- established 00q, April Fools Day prank, Bond is given the mission to go rescue a kidnapped Codename: Peach_
>   * [Re: Bond's Latest Cock-Up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23754865) by SouffleGirl91 _\- 00q fun told through a series of hilarious emails_
>   * [The Red Wizard](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23658019) by storm_of_sharp_things _\- Inception!AU, 00q00, Alec and James have to save Q, it's a series but there's Baba Yaga's house in this one!!!_
> 



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